Praise God From Whom All Blessings Flow!

EDD: 3/18/13

The top 2 pictures are the big baby--the bottom one, is my little runt.  The doctor said the little one has about a 50/50 chance and the big one is perfect.

:)

I can't officially post the outcome of the IUI yet. Sorry to leave you hanging. But I will ask you all to please pray for a healthy baby! ;)

IUI!!

I had my IUI procedure yesterday and feel very positive and hopeful. I went with Pablo to "collect" and while I was waiting outside the room, I saw another old, fat, unfortunate looking man go into another room to "collect" for IUI. Well, I immediately went to the front desk and asked, "Can you please make sure to put my husband's sperm in my body and not that weirdos?" I came back a couple of hours later, after they had washed the sperm and weeded out the retards. The nurse said that post wash, they want to have at least 1 million sperm but 5 million is optimal. Pablo ended up with 26 million sperm post wash!!! Between that many sperm going directly into my uterus and my 3 mature eggs, I think we are in very good shape! Now for a tedious wait to see if it worked!! Prayers especially needed now- that this precious child (who I believe has already been conceived) stays with mama and grows strong!

Trigger

Ultrasound revealed 3 mature eggs and several almost mature eggs. My Grammy gave me my HCG trigger shot last night at my mom's wedding reception and then kissed my belly and prayed. I told her if I wind up pregnant out of this, she will always be a part of my baby's story: your great grandma gave the shot that dropped the eggs to make you. And she said it is those kisses that help to make this baby. I am very sick and hoping I don't have to do this again.m the procedure is tomorrow and then a very long two weeks of waiting to see if it worked...

Plan

The nurse called to let me know to go down on my dosage of follistim and to not get a shot tomorrow in order to help prevent high order multiples. I go in for my next ultrasound Saturday morning, at which point they will most likely give me my trigger shot. The procedure will be 36 hours from that point. It is crazy looking at the ultrasound, seeing these eggs and realizing that they could potentially be half if my baby's DNA! Pretty freaking exciting!

Ultrasound

My ultrasound this morning revealed 6 almost mature follicles. I will most likely receive my trigger shot in the next day or two, which will induce ovulation. The actual procedure will most likely take place over the weekend. I am waiting on a call back from my doctor on when to do the trigger shot and whether to reduce the follistim, as they want to prevent high order multiples. My ovaries are so ginormous and I feel like a chicken laying eggs! In addition to the 6 almost mature follicles, there were many more smaller ones. I looked at the ultrasound and said, "Holy crap!"

Whoa Batman!

My ultrasound this morning revealed EIGHT maturing follicles and several smaller ones.m I have my next ultrasound on Thursday. I am responding so well to the hormones that the procedure could take place as soon as Friday. However, hopefully not Friday, because that would mean I'd miss my mom's wedding! I have been very sick on these hormones: exhausted, dizzy, nauseas, and headache. Lucky for my kids, not much moodiness though. :) The price a girl pays for her little bundle(s) of joy!

video of my first shot:)

Pablo's commentary is priceless.

I survived my first shot!

Special Delivery!

This arrived in a big cooler today!!

Ultrasound

I had an ultrasound and injection training this morning at 9am. We are all set to begin injections tomorrow! My meds aren't here yet, but they have been shipped and should arrive today. My sister n' law came with me to my appointment, as she is in nursing school and will be giving me my injections. All of this waiting and now the procedure is finally really about to happen! Please, everyone pray that it works!!

Yay!

Looks like my meds will arrive tomorrow after all!! I have an appointment tomorrow morning to receive an ultrasound and get some information about what to expect this IUI cycle. Injections start Saturday!!!! :)

Prayers please!!

My IUI meds were supposed to arrive in the mail Tuesday. The pharmacy called me yesterday to say that they don't work with my insurance. So I had the meds ordered through a different pharmacy and the nurse put a rush on it, telling them I need it by Friday. The new pharmacy said it will take at least 2 business days to process. I am supposed to begin my shots Saturday and will be devastated if that doesn't happen. Please pray I get my meds on time!!

Excited!

My IUI meds are scheduled to arrive on my birthday!! And I'm so blessed with my insurance coverage- they cost way less than I had expected! My sister n' law, Gisel, is in nursing school and is very excited to have someone to practice giving shots to. ;)

Meds on order!

This morning Pablo and I went to The Fertility Center to sign a consent form to begin treatment. The nurse has called in my shots, yay- this is actually happening! I have my endometrial biopsy on June 10 and a couple of days later, I will get an ultrasound and then start injections. I hope the next couple of weeks fly by! I am SO ready to be knocked up! ;)

Plan in place!

I met with my new amazing RE yesterday and we have a plan in place! He thinks I'm a great candidate for IUI and wants to try that first. He also wants to do an endometrial biopsy to see if there are any complications that would prevent the embryo from properly implanting. He also ordered one more blood test to check if my body creates normal chromosomes for baby. He said he expects both tests to come back normal but just wants to be sure. After my next cycle starts, I will have an ultrasound. Then I will receive a crazy expensive injectable hormone medication called FSH. This is a "super ovulation" medication that I will receive by injection right in the ass (fun times)! It will cause me to produce multiple and higher quality eggs. The biggest risk is multiple gestation. It is a pretty hefty medicine, so before I receive the prescription for it, both Pablo and I have to go to the clinic and sign a consent form that is witnessed by a nurse. After about 10 days of the FSH injections, I receive the long, more painful needle: the HCG trigger shot, which triggers ovulation. 36 hours after this injection, I ovulate, which allows doctors to pinpoint when to schedule the IUI procedure. They will monitor my follicles carefully by ultrasound every other day. When they are almost ripe, they will order a very specific time for me to administor the HCG trigger shot. Pablo and I will then both go to the clinic. Pablo will submit a sperm sample and they will inject the healthiest sperm directly into my uterus via catheter. We are looking at about a month from now that this procedure will take place. I am so thrilled to have a plan in place and am hoping and praying it works!

Results

Well, my bloodwork results came back normal. I missed a call from their IVF coordinator while I was at the dentist- such a bummer!! I'm now waiting to hear back from her to see what is next.

More waiting...

Still waiting on the bloodwork results. Hoping I get them before my next cycle starts so that we can begin putting a plan in place ASAP. My IVF support group has told me that the motto along this journey is, "Hurry up and wait." That has certainly been true for me. More hurrying up and waiting...

On Tuesday I had my first appointment with my new fertility specialist.  I absolutely adore him.  He is so kind and compassionate and he really knows his stuff.  He told me he's so sorry I've had so many losses, that that is so sad, and he knows that this has been hard, but he promised he would help me.  I was eager to start IVF right away, but he said that's kind of jumping the gun.  He ordered a huge panel of bloodwork to try to determine why I keep miscarrying.  HOPEFULLY I will get those results today.  Feeling good about this, despite being a little bummed about having to do more waiting....

Another big week

I think things from this point forward will be kind of a whirlwind!!

We haven't been that thrilled with our current fertility specialist--he is just a strange grouchy man, but he does know his stuff....but no bedside manner whatsoever.  We went in for my ultrasound on Friday (luckily we were the first ones there, as it is first come first serve and the place was packed).  I introduced Pablo to the Dr. and he didn't even look up from his notes to say hi to him.  He instead said, "I'm disorganized.  I can't find my pen."  Not exactly the type of person you would want to entrust your embryos to!  Pablo asked him a question and the Dr. did not answer it.  He instead said, "You will have to make an appointment to have a consult, where I can answer your questions."  No thank you.

Despite the rudeness of this man, who looks like he just rolled out of bed whenever I see him, he did find good news.  The cysts on my ovaries are completely gone and I'm ovulating on my own.  We set up that consult with him for Thursday, but I may end up canceling and switching right over to the other fertility center here in Grand Rapids.

A few days ago, my mom pointed out an article in the paper, where The Fertility Center is offering a money back guarantee: you pay for 3 cycles of IVF upfront, and if this does not result in the live birth of a child, you get a full refund.  It is kind of a gamble, because if we end up getting pregnant on the first IVF try, we will end up losing a lot of money and getting the short end of the stick.  However, to me, the assurance is worth the extra money.  I can't imagine paying up front for a cycle and having all of my eggs in that one basket, unsure of what the outcome will be (which is a less than 50% success rate, so a gamble for sure).

I called The Fertility Clinic and set up an appointment with them.  I will see them tomorrow and ask what they suggest.  If there are other noninvasive ways that they suggest have a good shot of getting me pregnant, we may try that first.  However, if the odds are not in our favor, we would rather not waste the time and money on something that will most likely not work.  So we will decide probably tomorrow whether or not to pursue our first round of IVF, which would begin in a couple of weeks.

We are excited, nervous, hopeful, scared and praying for good news soon.

big week

Just over a week ago, I lost my 5th pregnancy.  I was optimistic and hopeful about this pregnancy, but unfortunately lost it at 5 weeks.  For some reason, my body is not holding onto the little lives it creates.

Pablo and I will be moving forward aggressively with our fertility specialist to now do whatever it takes.

We have an ultrasound/game plan appointment this Friday morning.  I am hoping to be able to move forward with IVF, but we will have to wait and see what the specialist suggests.  I hope the week goes by quickly.  Friday cannot come soon enough.

Update

I have now had a 4th early miscarriage- losing the pregnancy at 5 and a half weeks.

When I went in for bloodwork, my pregnancy levels were at just 3.2 and I officially miscarried a few days following this miscarriage.

My fertility specialist has taken me off of the Clomid due to large Clomid caused cysts on my ovaries, so this was our first month trying naturally with no medical assistance. If I end up pregnant, the Dr. wants to do an early 6 week ultrasound. If I do not end up pregnant, he wants to do an ultrasound the next time I ovulate to monitor if I am ovulating correctly. From there, he will provide a suggestion for which plan to follow in regards to getting me pregnant with a viable pregnancy. Pablo and I are willing to do whatever it takes, even if it ends up being IVF.

Yesterday we went in for another semen analysis. My silly husband was in the not so soundproof bathroom shouting, "Honey! I'm a stallion!" Haha, such a trooper!

I am eager for the next appointment with the specialist that will lay out a plan!

adventures in trying to get (and stay) knocked up

Those of you who know me, know that the only thing in life that I really want, is to be a mom.  I was born to be a mother.  In fact, I literally tried to get pregnant at age 5 (of course not understanding the mechanics of how one actually gets pregnant).  I have begged my husband since our wedding day to get me pregnant. When he finally agreed that we could start trying, I imagined that it would "just happen."  It did not.

The story leading up to trying to get and stay pregnant is long.  So I will just do a quick update and then continue to add updates as they happen.  I was first referred to an OBGYN specialist (who also happens to be a dear friend).  He ordered a series of tests to try to figure out what could be going on in my body.  The first step was a semen analysis, which came back normal.  I need to backtrack to tell this story.  Pablo and I arrived at the hospital and walked up to the lab with the cup given to him for collection.  Pablo then said to the lab technician, "I need to make a deposit.  Do you have a hot nurse and a closet somewhere?"  To which the technician replied, "Usually you collect your sample at home and then bring it here.  But there's a bathroom you can go to."  So I waited outside the bathroom door while my good sport of a husband honorably filled his cup.

After the semen analysis came back normal, I was scheduled for an HSG, where my OBGYN basically does an x-ray of my fallopian tubes.  He shoots dye into my body (and yes, it hurts like a bi***), in order to see that my tubes do not have any blockages.  The dye ran through my tubes with no problems, which indicated that I had no blockages in my tubes that would prevent the sperm from meeting my egg.

Following the HSG, my OBGYN prescribes Clomid to help extend the length of my too short luteal phase (the length between ovulation and the beginning of the next cycle).  I did not get pregnant the first month on Clomid.  I did get pregnant the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th month on Clomid.  Each pregnancy ended in miscarriage shortly after finding out.  The first miscarriage took the wind out of me.  We found out we were pregnant on Christmas day and were absolutely thrilled.  I went to my mom's house with the pregnancy test in hand, at which point we all jumped up and down screaming and laughing.  My grandparents arrived and I said, "Grandma, I'm pregnant!"  She hugged me and we cried.  Then my grandpa wanted to say a prayer for the baby.  I prayed and cried, so thankful for this child that I had wanted so desperately, for so long.

The following day, we left for a two week trip to Venezuela.  There, I did everything right: no alcohol, of course, no unpasteurized cheese or juice, getting up to walk every hour on the plane--constantly super careful.  Pablo was extremely protective of me.  He was constantly holding my hand, and telling me things that I couldn't do (such as climb a palm tree, go down a water slide, and play soccer).  In fact, he wouldn't even let me sit nearby when watching a soccer game, for fear that the ball would land directly onto baby.  It was all very funny and sweet.

But the same day we returned, I started bleeding.  We went to the emergency room, where they performed an ultrasound.  We had lost the baby.  I collapsed, folding inward inside of myself.  Completely lost.

The next 2 miscarriages were hard, but they did not undo me, like the first one.  I had a wall up from the second I found out I was pregnant.  The first time I was pregnant, I constantly rubbed my belly and talked to the baby.  The next 2 times, I was completely detached.  I wanted to protect myself from falling in love with this child and dreaming of who this child would become--only to lose it.

After the 3rd miscarriage, I made an appointment with a fertility specialist.  The first appointment was just a consultation--answering lots of questions.

Yesterday I went in for an ultrasound.  My dear friend, Denise went with me, for which I was so incredibly grateful.  The ultrasound revealed two large cysts, one on each ovary.  They were so big that the Dr. could not tell whether I had ovulated this cycle because he could not see behind them.  So he took me off of the Clomid so that the cysts could resolve.  So now we are kind of in pause mode.  I have to have another cycle where my body gets out the kinks (because supposedly the first cycle off of Clomid is not a normal cycle).  Then the following cycle, he wants to perform another ultrasound to see what my body is doing on its own.  From there, we will come up with a game plan.

So that's where we are right now.  Trying to be patient.

Life and Loss

Journey

He was 93 years old and lived long and well

his dark leather-like skin formed creases that flowed across his face

like a maze

at the sides of his gently closed eyes, along the corners of his smooth lips

and in every empty space in between—

the creases overflow like the life he lived—

a life that was 93years long.

As the broken hearted son shrivels to the earth and weeps

and the casket is slowly lowered beneath the ground,

I fold my hands across my womb

and wrap my fingers around a life that is only days old—

somewhere between a blastocyst and an embryo

I am carrying the absolute beginning of life.

And as this father, grandfather, and great grandfather

disappears beneath the crumbled soil

I marvel at the wonder of life’s journey. 

Angel Baby

You are no more than a tiny ribbon of tissue—

your life has only begun days ago

yet you are everything to me

and I marvel at your potential

as I wonder how it will feel to have

you swimming across my womb’s walls

and how it will be meeting you for the first time

and how you will look and what you will be like

and who you will become

and despite the knowledge that physically, you are

no more than tissue and cells

I am overwhelmed by the amount of love

I carry in my heart for you,

my sweet child.

Wrapped

A package arrived in the mail today

dated December 31, 2011—

back when I was still pregnant

with colorful pictures of smiling infants

taped across the box’s surface

with my breath held and my chest pressing against my skeleton,

I grab a knife and cut along the box’s ridges—

breaking in half the largest picture

of a perfectly formed wide eyed infant.

with tears streaming down my face,

I remove a small onesie and lay it gently across the surface

of my empty womb

and watch the ink smear across the card that reads, “To Mama and Baby,”

and grasp a white blanket of feather softness

that should have held my child, come September.

Instead I wrap it around my shivering body and rock myself

in still emptyness

as I carry the weight

of losing the only thing that I have ever wanted.